Water, Water Everywhere

Yesterday was a very water-filled day. We went to the beach after Tommy's nap, our first beach trip of the summer.
The boys were so ready to jump back into the waves.

This was the first year that Tommy was big enough to go into the water. He loved it. He was absolutely fearless.

Probably a little too fearless. He also loved throwing sand, which is no surprise because he's kind of a troublemaker.

In fact, before we even made it to the beach yesterday, he used his skills as a troublemaker to find water of his own when I ran upstairs to help Luke.

Yes. Chair moved across the kitchen, kid in sink. All those dishes around him? Had just been washed and placed in the drainer to dry.

Where I'm From

I am from tall oak trees, from pine trees that you could climb to the very top,
from puddle splashing and pink Huffy bikes,
summer meals of fall apart hamburgers and chocolate milkshakes.
I am from the old yellow farmhouse with creaky wood floors,
where people were born and probably died.
I am from the morning glories and bright orange tiger lillies growing in the ditch.
I am from the white elephant exchanges at Christmas and strong-willed women
with fiery red hair, from Winifred and Viola, who changed her name to Nancy.
I am from the little girl who wishes she would have told her how beautiful Viola was.
I am from the nature lovers and the passionate about politics, the sometimes struggling to make ends meet.
From the giants stomping to cause thunder and the place where white bread isn't allowed because the dough sticks to your stomach.
I am from the church of outdoors, the awe of the world around you. I am from the church of big breakfasts on Sunday mornings,
from the church of an awareness of something bigger than us,
from the church of being allowed to choose.
I'm from the very far northwest corner of this state, where the accents are more Chicago than Midwest. I'm from peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwiches, from tostadas with freshly fried shells, refried beans simmering on the stove all day long, from garden fresh, sun-ripened tomatoes.
I am from wood stoves in the winter, skinned knees, dirty bare feet stained purple from the mulberry tree, brown skin and freckles in the summer. I am from the dinner table that always had room for one more, tangled hair, green milk on St Patrick's Day, Girl Scout camp, and burnt marshmallows.
I am from love.


Steph recently shared this meme based on this poem. As an English teacher, I love this and can't wait to teach it to my students.

Such a lovely place

In a shocking turn of events, Shane and I managed a kidfree night for our anniversary. Shocking because, well, our last kidfree night was spent walking the halls of the hospital while I labored with Luke. Does that count? I'm thinking not. Don't get me wrong, though, this has been completely by choice. Although Luke started to have occasional sleepovers at my parents' house after he turned three, we like to have both boys at home with us--especially with Tommy's health and sleep issues and general state of being attached t ome. Luke has been asking to do a sleepover with my husband's parents for awhile now and when we asked about it, Grandma offered to take both boys. Kind of hard to turn down, especially when I found a Living Social deal for a hotel not too far from us.

So, away we went. Not without a great deal of hand-wringing and separation anxiety. From us, of course. The boys were just fine, especially this little traitor who could barely contain his excitement.

As we pulled away, the boys barely glancing in our direction, I punched in the address for the hotel and aws given this message.

Permanently closed!? Whatchoo talking 'bout, Mapquest? I had just confirmed our reservation and just bought a Living Social deal, so I ignored Mapquest. Except that when we got off the interstate, Shane was all, Look at that closed down hotel! And I was like, That's our hotel.

And then Shane went on this rant about how you cannot trust the internet and this is why you need to go by good old fashioned word of mouth recommendation and I was all, SIMMER DOWN, THE PARKING LOT IS FULL. Fortunately, the inside was really nice and clean, so I won this round of the internet is not evil. I'm not sure what's going on with the outside and the lack of a sign, but we had this waiting on our bed, causing my heart to be completely won over by Hotel Indigo.

I really didn't take a good picture of our room, but I liked that it was very bright and airy. I also liked that the floor was wood, instead of carpet. Hotel carpet always feels so dirty to me, but this was nice and clean. I did get a small snippet of the room in the back of my obligatory dinner date mirror shot.

Speaking of dinner, we had an amazing meal at Bob Chinn's Crabhouse, recommended by a wonderful twitter friend. I think there are three types of people when it comes to seafood: people who eat almost anything that comes from the water, people who don't really like fish but will eat fried shrimp or fish sticks, and people who don't eat seafood at all. I'm in the first group (except for an aversion to tuna that comes from preparing mass quantities of tuna salad when I worked at Subway) and so is Shane, so we were in heaven. Even moreso when the waitress set this giant mai tai in front of me.

She assured me that it would last me the whole meal, but I didn't really believe her. Except that it did and I ended up having Shane finish it. This never happens with me and drinks. I will be dreaming about this meal for a long time... steamed crabs with drawn butter, red potatoes, and a giant cupcake for dessert.

We started the next morning with a breakfast buffet and I wanted to take a picture of my plate, piled high with eggs and bacon and sausage and potatoes and my other plate piled high with pancakes, but I kind of ate it too fast and here is my empty plate. Oops.

And then, even though checkout wasn't until 1pm and there was lots of fabulous shopping in the area, we were on the road by 9AM and back to our boys. Although Tommy launched himself into my arms, they were full of stories about donuts for breakfast and I'm pretty sure we missed them more than they missed us!

Couch to 5k Graduate

Graduating high school was kind of a no brainer for me. Aside from stupid math (and chemistry, also STUPID), I always carried As and Bs. College was pretty much the same, although I dealt with some personal life issues that made graduating with a high GPA something that gave me a great deal of pride.

Still, though there are eight cumulative years with high school and college, I am probably more proud of graduating from a nine week running program. Seriously. Aside from math (which we've already determined is stupid), this was harder than any course I took in high school or college. In hindsight, I wish that I had blogged about it on a weekly basis, but I honestly didn't believe that I'd ever be able to run thirty minutes without stopping. By not blogging about it, it'd be easier to brush aside failure.

Except that, hello, I totally did not fail. Aside from skipping a day here and there due to illnesses, I consistently ran every other day. And to my surprise, I never had to repeat a day. I managed to get through the plan for each day without failing. Sometimes I felt like I could not run another step, but I managed to make each step. Weeks one and two were hard. I remember gasping for breath during the sixty second run intervals and thinking about how I must be fooling myself, because there was NO WAY I was going to be able to do this. Sixty seconds doesn't seem like that long, but it kind of is. The moment when I first began to feel like it was really working was week 3, day 3. I actually thought that I had skipped one of the run intervals because it was so easy, but when I checked and discovered that I didn't, I instead ran throug half of the cool down, simply because I felt like I could.

This was a huge confidence booster to go into week 4, which was really hard for me. The last of the four run intervals (five minutes) was difficult for me to get through and there were a few times when I almost didn't, but I struggled through it. I struggled so much going into week 5 that I was certain there was no way I'd be able to handle week 5, day 3 which involved a (gulp) 20 minute run with no walking. None! It seemed like such a huge leap to me, but somehow, my feet kept moving for 20 straight minutes. Not quickly, mind you, but they did it. What I discovered is that I felt better, I felt stronger without the walking intervals. Maybe I don't walk briskly enough, but I felt like it was so much harder to start up running again after walking. Not that I didn't need the walking break, because I did and I understand why you need the walking, because you can't just start out running 20 minutes. I actually had a harder time with the first two days of week six, because it goes back to the intervals.

The interesting thing about the couch to 5k program is that once you get to the final few weeks, the increases are so minor compared to how far you've come that they don't stress you out any more. Once I ran for 25 straight minutes, it was no big deal to go to 28, because what's 3 more minutes? And going from 28 to 30 minutes? Big deal, that's only a 2 minute increase! I still don't really love running while I'm running. I love the free time to listen to music and just think, but I don't so much love it in the midst. I love how good I feel afterward, when I'm doing my cooldown and reflecting on how far I've come.

So, now that I've graduated, I can go back to sitting on the couch, right? Just kidding. I actually want to focus on increasing my distance and speed. Right now, my pace is about 10.5 minutes per mile (sometimes slower!), which isn't bad, but I'd like to increase that. I'd also like to be able to focus more on distance. Instead of focusing on how many minutes I can run, I'd prefer to start focusing on how many miles I can run. Mainly, I would just like to keep running! I am signed up for my first 5k a week from today--any tips for how I should prepare the week before? I'm excited, but honestly a little nervous. However, I decided that even if I end up having to walk part of it and even if I somehow am the last to finish, all that matters is that I'm out there doing it. And what really matters is that when it comes time to cook out on the fourth? I've earned myself an extra hot dog.

I Do, I Do

Six years ago tomorrow, I married my best friend. I've blogged about it again and again and again, so I'll keep this brief. I had this grand idea of embedding video clips from our wedding into this post, except that either flickr or blogger or possibly both hate me and no matter how I tried, the videos will not load, even though they load just fine in flickr. After fighting with blogger and you tube, I finally came to the realization that the internet hates me, so I am just providing links to the clips which inexplicably work just fine on flickr. I hope you will click!

My favorite part of our ceremony is still the part where he kissed me. At our rehearsal, the pastor even said, "You can kiss better than that!" when Shane kissed me like you'd kiss your grandma. And then the next day, after spending months saying he was just going to give the briefest of pecks, because he was so not into kissing me in front of everyone, he didn't want to stop kissing me. It was sweet and awesome and I can't ever watch this part in our wedding video (recorded by my Uncle David with a very old camcorder... so not professional videography, but I love it) without a huge smile forming on my face.

And bonus? I discovered part of our reception on the video, with a little snippet from after we fed each other cake. Cake face smashing is so not my thing, but after we daintily fed each other bites, I turned to the photographer and said, "I can eat this now, right?" He laughed and said, "Yes, you get to eat your cake." As you'll see, I then proceed to shovel a gigantic bite into my mouth. This is how I eat all desserts, all the time. Doesn't matter if I'm wearing a wedding gown or yoga pants.

It's been an amazing almost six years. It's hard to believe that we've done so much, yet still have so much more ahead of us.

Kiddie Cocktail

The recipe for a perfect first official day of summer:

1 wading pool with sprinkler attachment
1 bubble blaster

Garnish with two boys who love bubbles, water, and summer sunshine

Chase with an after dinner trip to Dairy Queen


Perfection.

Parked

I did get my run in yesterday. It was pretty miserable. I had two cups of coffee sloshing around in my stomach, it was starting to get humid, and I just wanted to end it. I pushed through somehow and during my cooldown walk, it blissfully began to rain a cool, refreshing sprinkle. I wish that I would have felt more refreshed, but I had a hard time clearing the storm clouds from my head yesterday.
Even when we went outside and blew bubbles with Luke's new bubble blaster, I was still gloomy.

My gloomy day culminated in a migraine that hit out of nowhere. Usually I have a few hours warning before they hit. This time? Maybe twenty minutes. I felt my neck muscles knot up, was fatigued, and lost feeling in my hands and feet in such a swift motion that all I could do was shove aside the pile of clean laundry on our bed before curling up and passing out, until 8pm when Luke stuck his face two inches from mine and said, MOMMY GUESS WHAT, I'M SLEEPING WITH YOU TO HELP YOU FEEL BETTER!
So, I spent all night with a migraine and a four year old kicking me, but his intentions were sweet.

Today, I still have the slighest hint of a lingering migraine, along with a killer neckache (guess who has the first appointment of the day at her chiropractor tomorrow??), but today is already infinitely better. It's sunny outside and it has helped to clear the cobwebs from my brain. We started the day with a walk to the park. Living so near an elementary school is great, because the equipment is so safe for the boys.

(Luke dresses himself, can you tell?)
Although I still stalk Tommy relentlessly and he looks at me constantly like, Lady, will you stop following me!? I try to explain that if his neurologist wants him to wear a helmet while riding a tricycle, she probably would want someone to spot him when he plays daredevil and climbs to the top of the tall equipment.

All he knows, though, is that he's almost two and he can do every single thing his brother does and epilepsy is not going to hold him back from that. Almost two. I ordered his birthday invitations yesterday, though it seems hard to believe, like didn't I just look like this? I miss the belly, but I do not miss having a newborn, not one bit. If that ever happens to change, I'll let you know.

I hope your day is sunshine-y, wherever you are.

pray for rain, but you don't want it from a storm

I did not run this whole weekend, because I've been tired and dealing with some out of control girl problems that my body has decided to throw at me lately. Every morning, I peeked outside and thought, Please let it be storming. Then it'll give me an airtight excuse to not run. Of course, it wasn't raining, not once this entire weekend, so I just slunk back to bed and tried to quiet the judging voices in my head. Last night, I told myself that I would get up and go, no matter what. Except that, of course, there is a severe thunderstorm this morning and now I'm all dressed and ready in a sports bra with nowhere to go, watching the flashes of lightning and listening to the thunder (Tommy says "whoaaaaaaa" each time it thunders).

And I'm annoyed. Annoyed because I wanted and needed to run. Annoyed because the aforementioned girl problems are still out of control and exhausting. Annoyed because we had plans to go to the beach today. Annoyed because as I'm typing this, Tommy is sprawled on me with his fingers jammed in my mouth and if I could just get 40 minutes to run, I'd be much happier about that.

Instead, I'm feeling the house shake with thunder and feeling my grievances build inside of my chest like so much stormy weather. With every storm, there's calm, and I know this one will pass and I can find a calm moment to squeeze in a run. Thankful for the other calms right now, too. A successful doctor's visit with Tommy's neurologist, where everything is status quo. Acceptance that sometimes he might have seizures, but the days, weeks, and months that he does not have a seizure far outweigh the day in which he does have a seizure. We are lucky. The calm in a sixth wedding anniversary and a much-needed, way overdo time out with my husband that will be long enough for us to talk about things other than the boys, but just long enough for our conversation to end with how much we miss them.

So, I'm sitting on the couch wearing a sports bra and those tiny athletic socks, watching it thunderstorm. It can't storm forever, right?

Photo Card Creations {A Giveaway!}

Random.org chose comment #15. Congrays, Kaycee! Thanks to everyone who entered.

Last summer, I was fortunate to offer up a great giveaway (check out Tommy's thank you card)to Photo Card Creations. This year, I'm even more fortunate, because I have an even better giveaway for you!

But first, a little about why Photo Card Creations is so great. They specialize in wedding, baby, and holiday cards, with a little something for every occasion. There are hundreds of card designs, all printed on high quality paper. What I really love, though, is that a graphic designer handles each order, providing top notch customer service. You can also upgrade your cards to have rounded corners. I'm kind of a rounded corner nut, so little touches like this make me smile.

Even better, this fall, they are revamping their site and product lines. Customers will be able to customize, view, and approve cards online before even ordering, making the process even more hands on. You can even convert photos to sepia and black and white right on the site. You'll be able to play around with photos, swapping them out until you find the ones you like best on the card, as well as change the font and ink colors right on the site. For someone wordy like me, I like that you will be able to use their suggested greetings OR fully customize the text. This fall, they will also be adding new card designs (over fifty new products!), which you can preview here. I really love the Holiday Cheer card!

Now, on to the really good part... I have a $50 gift certificate to give away to one of my lucky readers! The best part (in my opinion) about the gift certificate is that it is good for one year. Expecting a baby? You can hold onto until it is birth announcement time (the Live Laugh Love card under boy announcements? so.cute.) There are also adoption specific birth announcements. Getting married? They have some seriously amazing save the date cards. Obviously at some point over the next year, you or someone you love will be having a birthday. Photo Card Creations has some adorable birthday invitations (I'm eyeballing quite a few for Tommy!). And of course, my favorite, are the holiday cards. I'm not going to lie, my favorite part of the holiday season is hanging up holiday cards, not to mention sending out our own Christmas cards. I love the full bleed postcards. What a simple idea for holiday cards and perfect for display on fridges, mantles, or doors!

To enter, all you need to do is visit the Photo Card Creations website, then come back here and tell me which card design really catches your eye (this will help them determine which products are popular as they move into new lines this fall).

Giveaway closes Monday, June 20th. Winner will be chosen via random.org and notified by email.

Thanks to Photo Card Creations for this great opportunity!

the world is quiet here

I run at 5:30 in the morning, every other day. I set the alarm, but that's just silly because one or both of my kids is awake by then. Always.

It's so quiet at 5:30. On week days, the main road has traffic. Semis, people going to work. In our neighborhood, I see no one. Once on a weekend, I passed only one car on my entire route. I run past the local diner that's been there for ages, the one that my great-uncle owned so many years ago. I think about how much I'd rather be sitting down for a cup of coffee and a feta omelet with a side of bacon and greasy home fries, but I keep running.

The ability to not pay attention, to just zone out and get lost in my music and my thoughts is priceless. I don't worry about all the things I have to do, because I can't do them.

I don't really like running, but the time to think without really thinking, to turn things over in my brain and let them go, to get lost in a favorite song... that time is priceless. Today I ran for 28 straight minutes and even though some parts were very hard and I just wanted to stop, sit down, and quit, I didn't. I kept running and thinking and before I knew it, I was done.

In the afternoons, our neighborhood is so full of kids, dogs, and people that running is so hard because I'm constantly dodging or trying to avoid eye contact or wondering if people think, "Eww, what is she doing plodding around and gasping for air!?" In the very early morning, though, it's like the entire world is blanketed with quiet. I never knew that there was so much quiet in this little corner of suburbia, but I am so glad for it.

Foreshadowing, Irony, and other dumb literary devices

Despite my title, I generally enjoy teaching my students about literary devices. I usually try to make it as fun as possible, involving the class in made up stories to teach various parts of literature. And if they pay attention, it helps them to discover nuances in literature where the author gives them a hint about what might happen next or says something funny or tells you something the characters don't know.

If they were reading a book about my life, I would've expected them to pick up on me stating that Tommy had not had a seizure since November was clearly foreshadowing and that obviously, he was going to have another seizure. He did, of course, that very night. I should have know it was coming. All the signs were there; yet, the past six--almost seven we were so close--months taught me to let the signs go. And if this was a book, my life, there'd be an omniscient narrator and you would've known what I was thinking Friday morning but too afraid to write, Maybe those seizures last fall were a fluke, perhaps he's outgrown them already. I am trying really hard to not let the old fears creep back into my mind. I stopped myself from setting up the video monitor again, because I can't go back to fear ruling. I can't. I won't.

Every year in August, we get a stack of medical notices from the nurse, letting us know of any students who have health-related issues. Typically, I have a handful of students with inhalers, students who take medicine for ADD, every now and then I have a few diabetics, but three years ago, I had an epileptic student. My first and only. I remember reading his medical info sheet and feeling a little unsettled, a little freaked out at the thought of a child who could potentially have a seizure in my class. It seemed so scary, you know, and what would I do? I had no idea that three years later, I'd be sitting in a hospital room crying because this student's mom reached out to me via Facebook after hearing about Tommy's seizures and the goodness and twists of fate that life hands you are so outrageously beautiful in their sadness, sometimes.

More than anything, Friday made me come to terms with the idea that this might not be something that he's going to outgrow, at least not any time soon. Still, we're blessed. Some children have more seizures in one day than he's had in his entire life. Some children have seizures that damage them irreparably. Aside from being the most troublesome child I've ever met, he's perfect in every way. I can't stop his seizures, but I can stop my fear.

(Still, though, universe, if you could not laugh at me like this? That'd be great.)

Summery

I just woke up from a nap. I'm not really a good nap taker. When I wake up, I'm so fuzzy headed that I feel even more tired than when I laid down, no matter how long or short or a nap I take. I woke up and checked my email to find an inbox full of confirmations to plans that I didn't even remember making, because I was so fuzzy that I didn't even remember what year it was.

I am so thankful this year is over, yet it was such a tough year that I haven't found it in my heart to be joyous. It's a tough place to feel such a huge disconnect from so many students. I just hope and pray that next year will be better than the last.

In the meantime, my first two days of summer vacation have been nice. Yesterday, I got my hair done for the first time in a year. This morning, I got out of bed at six AM and went for a run. I felt a little crazy, like wouldn't I rather be sleeping?? But I'm glad I did. I'm up to running 25 straight minutes now, no more intervals. I kind of can't believe that I'm doing it, because I remember running 90 second intervals during week two and thinking there was NO WAY that I could run more than that without dying. It's pretty amazing. I still don't really like running while I'm running, but I like how I feel afterward, so there's that. I haven't lost any weight and I'm not really looking to, but I have had many people tell me I look thinner in the last two weeks. I guess I must be toning up, though unfortunately it seems that running does little for that post-baby belly!

Today I am working on Tommy's 2nd birthday invites. This is bizarre to me, because someone has replaced my baby with this gangly boychild.

He's so big these days. I worried about loving Tommy because I wasn't sure if I could love another child like I did Luke. I was wrong, of course. The love for Tommy is much more encompassing than my love for Luke was, because it involves Luke. When I see them do things like this:

my heart explodes, because I'm loving the two of them together. Two seconds later, they likely pushed each other down, but that's okay. The other day, I spied on Luke playing "this little piggy" with Tommy, while Tommy giggled madly and I nearly fainted from the cuteness. I don't know how parents with MANY children handle those moments without actually exploding.

We have a lot of summer plans on the horizon, mostly catching up on all those appointments we don't want to make during the school year. We see Tommy's neurologist next week and I'm realizing that it's no longer as scary for me to say that. I still worry about him a million times a day, though he hasn't had a grand mal seizure since November. I realize daily how very lucky we are.

My fuzzy brain is starting to lift a little, so I suppose I should probably get off the couch and do something with my day. Happy Friday!

The Space Between

Ten years ago, I was 19. 19 seems so young, so unknowing compared to all I’ve learned in the last ten years. The first year is the hardest, you know, because you spend every morning thinking, “One year ago today, I was happy. One year ago today, I didn’t know this life. One year ago today, I didn’t have panic attacks or cry myself to sleep.” And on and on and on. But that’s not to say that the next nine years are easy, because they’re not.

I still have panic attacks when I see my midwife for a yearly exam. Because the exam makes me think of the rape kit, of my family doctor and the older nurse, who I’d known for years, who gave me allergy shots when I was just eight years old, fumbling while they read the instructions on the rape kit, while I cringed and held my mom’s hand. Every year, I breathe deep and tell myself to panic that this is not the same, but every year, my heart betrays me and races, my skin turns red and blotchy, and I just try to get through it. I have my appointment in a few weeks. I wonder if this year will be the year that I finally rise above it?

8th graders think rape jokes are funny. Did you know that? They think it’s hilarious to throw the word around like it’s so meaningless, when someone touches them in the hall, they scream, HE’S RAPING ME. I endure it every single year, letting the words roll off of me cringing, but once a year, I lose it. I turn red and yell and say, Rape isn’t funny. Why do you think rape is funny? IT’S NOT FUNNY. I rant like a crazy person and I know they all think I’ve lost my mind and probably roll their eyes and laugh about me in lunch, but I always just hope that maybe one of them gets it. Maybe one of them stops twice and thinks about it.

I’ve been that crazy person this whole week. As soon as the calendar starts to roll into June, I become unhinged and yell and cry and realize why I’m doing it, but I’m powerless to stop it (just like I was ten years ago). This year, I just feel tired. I feel weary and want to be over it, but I’m not. I’m so thankful that I shared my story last year, but today, I don’t want it to be my story. I want to not even think about today, to wake up on say, June 15th, and think, Hey! I didn’t even notice! I wonder if or when that day will come and I pray that someday it does. I hate it, but I live this day knowing that tomorrow is June 4th and that it will be okay. It always is.