In a strange way, I was the calmest I've ever been about going back to school. Did I want to go back to school? NO. Did I cry the night before? YES. But I didn't cry yesterday morning, which is the first time since having kids that that has happened. Not coincidentally, it's also the first time since having kids that I didn't spend the entire time off hoping and praying that somehow, someway, I wouldn't have to go back to work. That's not to say that I don't want for a different situation, but for whatever reason, THIS is my situation. Maybe it will change, but maybe it won't. And that's okay, because I know that I'm a teacher for a reason, and if the one kid I'm meant to help won't be in my classroom until ten years from now... well, who am I to try and change that? Of course, if someone hands me a winning lottery ticket tomorrow, I don't harbor any illusions about continuing to go to work... and that's okay too. The interesting thing about teaching is that while it's amazing to have summers off, it's also hard because it's like going back from maternity leave year after year. After 2 months off, you start to get into habits and routines and you almost forget that it's not your forever life. . So, sometimes over the summer, we go to the library and the librarian tells me about story time in the fall and how many moms love it because they can chat while the kids enjoy the stories, and I catch myself nodding for a second before I think, "Wait, wait, no, this is not my real life."
My real life is good, though. It has babies who greet me with hugs and kisses and happy squeals and a husband who always, always makes dinner. Friends who will still love me even if I can't meet at the park in the middle of the day or if I have to turn down a Wednesday night dinner out because even though I try to forgive myself and have evenings where I stay out late on a school night, sometimes dealing with 140 8th graders is EXHAUSTING. And of course, I'll always feel that little pang at wanting a little more than this, but even bigger than that is the fullness I feel at all that I have.
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17 comments:
i wish you were my teacher! my heart hurts for you, but you sound so much more relaxed about it than ever before. xo
beautifully put.
(((()))
Beautifully said. I remember when my kids were little and I joined the PTA. Meetings were scheduled on the first Monday evening of the month. That was fine. But the LUNCHEON committee meetings!? Not so good for a teaching Mom. Again, beautifully said.
I am sure you have made a difference in more than one student's life, girl. Beautifully written... sorry that you must go back to work. :( xoxo
Now that is wonderfully said.
And Seriously...why can't you live here and be Hunter's 8th grade teacher...sigh...
I'm sorry, I stopped paying attention after your title becuase of your Les Mis-eque title. Oh Marius, I shall always love you! :-)
I send you love as you go back to school (as always!).
i'm so proud that you are embracing right where you are. right where God has you. just like you said, circumstances could change tomorrow and maybe they will, but for now....life is beautiful exactly where you are. miss you, but proud of you. you are a great teacher and a great mom!
You were called to be a Teacher, I feel it in my old bones. You have so much to give your students and God knew that when he called you to this job/gig. He protects your 2 little guys while you are not with them. It's ok if you can't do it all and be everywhere. Winning the lottery would help but then your students would miss you.
Glad you've got some peace about it. Honestly, that's how I always felt. I didn't have a choice about working, so I was grateful that I had a job where I did have some time with my kids. Also, in a small town, your kids are invariably in your school at some point or other, which was very nice.
You know I would so buy that lotto ticket for both of us if I could. I am so glad the start to this year has been more peaceful for you though.
I have a week and a half left so we'll see about the crying on my end. It's so hard to let go of the routine because you are right - it feels like this is real life, but it's not.
Erin -
Have I told you how grateful I am that you invest in our children, in this teaching role?
I love you for many reasons, this is just one of them.
It's all so very bittersweet. But you sound good girl, really good. :)
And you're husband makes dinner ALWAYS??!? Now THAT is awesome.
The fact that your husband cooks dinner just slays me....so jealous....
You will do great tomorrow, and every day after. How's that bulletin board coming?
you are such a strong person, and all your students are lucky to have you!
hope the school year goes quickly and smoothly!
I'm so glad you're doing well with having to go back - I can imagine that it would be more difficult going back after having the summer off, definitely a normal thing!
So glad for you that you've found peace in your situation...
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