I emailed Maggie my story for VU way back in January, a week before I met the loveliness that she is in person. When she emailed me the last week in May to tell me it was my turn to go up next week, I told her the significance of June 3. She said we'd put it up then. It wasn't planned like that, although I imagine many people thought it was. Instead it was one of those serendipitous moments where life feels right, in the midst of so much wrong, telling me that it was time to tell my story.
I am so glad I did. The support that I received in the form of comments--over SEVENTY of them--just blows me away. It was like seventy hugs, seventy bouquets of flowers, seventy people telling me that it was okay. That it wasn't my fault. That? Is priceless. THANK YOU.
Still, I couldn't say it out loud. It was on the tip of my tongue multiple times to say to Shane, "remember..." but I couldn't. And when he found my cork and asked what was nine years ago, I couldn't say it to him. I just said, "Oh. Don't worry about it." And then I seethed. Not because he didn't remember, but because I was JEALOUS that he didn't remember. Jealous that it was just another day to him. Jealous that I will likely never be able to feel anything other than panic and sadness when I flip the calendar to June. I want to tell him. I want to remind him what it means to me, to us, but I can't. Instead, I just kissed him on the cheek and said, "Thank you for being so good to me." I think that's enough for now.
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13 comments:
i didn't comment on your june 3 post because i felt like nothing i could say would be enough to express how much i admire your bravery & certainly not even close to enough to bring you even a touch of the kind of freedom & comfort that you deserve.
still, i want you to know that that glimpse of your broken heart has stirred my spirit. so, i will simply say that your courage is beyond inspiring. & that my prayer list now includes a reconciliation between your heart & june. [it will happen - yhwh is so good like that.]
I'm jealous for you that he can forget..... but you're right. He is so good to you... You will always have that, even in those dark days.
Erin,
I didn't comment on your VU post, but it wasn't because I don't care. Honestly it was because I wasn't sure what to say...and I didn't want the words to come out wrong or sound awkward.
You know?
I love you, and I'm so so sorry that nay of that had to happen. No one should ever have to go through what you did.
I'm glad you were able to tel your story, I hope it has empowered you, even if only a little.
Oh, that hurts my heart. I know Shane is not being intentionally hurtful, but that is hard. Really hard. That sort of significance to a date, a month, and to not have him share that with you? That he is able to forget? That is so tough. I am glad for him, bu I hope that for you one day too. I hope that you can turn the page on the calendar and only think "School's out! Here comes summer!". I don't know if it is possible with what you have been through, but I do hope.
Oh Erin...I too didn't know what to say on your June 3rd post, but I want you to know I'm proud of you for sharing your words. I wish too that you could forget that day, that it would be just another day to you. But He is able and willing to carry your burdens...and what joy that one day you WILL be able to forget, because He will be all you will see and focus on. You are strong, Erin, so strong.
Ahhhhhh, yeah. That's a hard one.
I've always thought it was the worst kind of unfair when the the most awful thing happens to you, and the rest of the world moves on.
Except they don't, not all of them, not really. He knows. He knows in other ways that have nothing to do with a box on the calendar. He might remember out of the blue on some other day, some other night, maybe even several times a year, maybe even more painfully than you're aware. Who knows.
He loves you. I'm so glad you have him.
And I'm so glad to know you. Thank you again for what you have done here.
xo
I used to get upset when my husband wouldn't remember certain dates, but then I realized that most of the time he doesn't even realize when his own birthday is coming up. They (men) just don't hang onto dates like we do. And I am very jealous of that.
You're very brave to continue to tell your story. I'm convinced it will help someone else.
Men aren't the best at remembering things especially big things that make you want to say DUH! But I am glad that you have such a good man in that one...you are where you were meant to be. With 3 wonderful mens!
On June 3, 2005 I fell into a coma that I wasn't expected to wake up from.
I wanted somebody to tell me on June 3, 2010 that they were happy I was alive. Nobody did. So I know exactly how you feel.
You? Took the high road. I? Sulked.
Too bad we're not closer. We could mark our June 3rd together.
((HUGS))
While we're sharing...
http://findingjoyinthelittlethings.blogspot.com/2009/06/june-3-2005.html
I hope and pray that one day in the future you will look at the calendar on June 5th and realize that June 3rd had passed and you hadn't noticed. Ah, what a day that will be!
Can we make it 71 hugs? What's great about a hug, the other person hugs you back...
Love,
-Another teacher/survivor.
I love you, that is all.
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